trust His purposes.
In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, Blessed be the name of the Lord. In many aspects of my life I felt surrounded by a loving sovereign God. But I had been grappling with the question, “why?” Why would God ask me to walk through the hurt and the disappointed hopes of a painful, incurable disease? I looked for meaning but I knew only confusion and a lingering sense of betrayal. Didn’t His promises say that He would work all things together for good to those that loved Him? His grace was sufficient, as He promised, but the ongoing battles were grueling and I searched for meaning in a situation that felt senseless.
And then, there it was…that long string of messages and passages that all seemed to repeat: trust His purposes. One message rebuked my heart for the assumption that God owed me anything, even a healthy body. Job expresses a true humility in Job 1:21 “And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” I’m privileged just to be here; God owes me nothing and everything from his hand is a gift of grace.
There is one thing that I have clung to and fervently believed through the most desperate moments…and that is that God never, ever wastes a hurt. The heat that overwhelms us, purifies us…refining fire. God knows in our arrogance we think we can walk in our own strength, but only in our weakness is his strength made perfect. When we are emptied of our resources and our last-ditch efforts have failed, then God moves: that the world may see and know that
“by his hand He hath done this.”
But even as I trust God to use my pain to make much of Him, I struggle to keep hope. Tonight the pain, and the fear, and the hurt of dashed dreams seeks to consume me. I cry His promises back to Him in desperation, “Hide me under the shadow of your wings,” “you will never leave me, nor forsake me,” “your grace is sufficient for me,” “when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I…” and as I reach for his Word He silences my storm. Paul’s pen scratches across the first chapter of I Peter, and tonight he is writing only to me.
…Now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more than gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.
And Job whispers through the peace after his pain, “I had heard of You with my ears, Lord…but now…now my eyes have seen You.”
God, if the only purpose in my pain is to draw me to your heart, then give me more. I need you more than I need anything else. You alone are hope and the promise for tomorrow. I will rest in you, and you will carry me. Pull me to your side, and let me know you in the fellowship of your sufferings and the compassion of your heart. I will trust you through the fire.
